Who is the Self-Referenced Woman?

 If you had asked me at the time of my divorce if my goal was to become a self-referenced woman, I would have looked at you as if you were asking me to join a monastery. My needs were much more immediate then! Security, comfort, and my fantasy picture. 

All I wanted was to meet my next amazing partner and form a Brady Bunch brood with all our kids.

Over time though my values changed and so did my expectations. My priorities also evolved in ways I could not have imagined. Instead of quick fix solutions and immediate gratification, I began to see it wasn’t a new husband I needed, as much as a new me.

The notion that a woman could be self-referenced (and self-partnered) is still radical. By self-referenced I mean someone who derives their validation, approval, and purpose from their own construct of personal values. Men are expected to be self-referenced; they are not defined by the women in their lives. Women still define themselves by the approval and validation of others.

I’ve written a book about Divorce-Transformation. In the book I discuss how it feels to be a self-referenced woman and the journey I took to arrive at that place. Personal fulfillment didn’t happen overnight, but my own Divorce-Transformation really has been the most rewarding journey of my life!

Being single for a luxurious period allowed me to inhabit a post-divorce developmental stage that I needed for redefining my identity from the ground up. I had to learn financial mastery, how to be a graduate student at 49, and then how to become a clinical social worker and psychotherapist. I also explored new ways to value myself around work and relaxation. It seemed there was almost no area of my life that didn’t undergo reinvention. 

We need to search and commit to our new post-divorce identity if we want to be happily partnered again. Identity searching is also critical to our personal satisfaction and fulfillment if we decide to be self-partnered for the rest of our lives— which is another totally valid choice.

Divorce provides a huge opportunity for identity redefinition, through the opportunity to really search and commit to the values that have meaning for us. We forge our new identity from the tests and trials provided by our Divorce-Transformation journey. 

Being self-referenced and self-partnered is not mutually exclusive to finding a wonderful mate. You can definitely have both! However, if you want to have a healthy and nourishing partnership, it is so much more likely to happen if you know how to fill your own well consistently day in and day out. It is my honor to guide women in how to do just that.